I miss my Ilhan Zafri

I really miss this budak bulat!!!

Papa mms me this pic of his when I was in the hosp.... Zafri on my bed...

My mum was telling, on the first day he was still ok... but on the 2nd day... he already started to search for something..  He was very restless.... alahaii kesian....  When I was in the ward, I kept looking at his picture and videos (thank you to the technology).... 

I miss you so dearly Zafri.... and I love you heaps!!!

This is it........

21st June 2012 ~ The Surgery Day

Pasrah, Redha and PREPARED......

We woke up at 6am and get ourself ready to go to the OT with Zarif.  The journey was quite far cos we need to walk from Pediatric Ward to Menara Utama... I carry Zarif in my arm cos he was crying due to hunger...  but soon after I carried him.... terus senyap and mata dia terus 'pelingau-pelingau' (banjar)...

The numbness was still in me - luckily!  Kalau tidak sure dah emo semacam.  I know to many this is small matter, but to both Kamal and I, this is huge because it is our son.  We received numerous comment as "tak apa...ni kecik jer... tak yah nak risau ke nak nangis"....Cuba tengok kalau anak sendiri at this age kena masuk OT alone...  kecik ke besar rasanyer?? Hehehehe.... so to all the parents with cleft babies out there - we feel you!!

There was no drama to this.  When I put Zarif on the bed in the OT, I was calm (surprisingly!).  Nope...no tears (for Ratu Airmata like me..this is a big deal hahhaha).  This is when I realized, I was Pasrah, Redha and Prepared.  I know he is in a good hand of Prof. Alizan and his team.

We went for breakfast and waited at the waiting area.

isshhh bulat!! ;p

I put him on the bed at 9am... at abt 11.45am, the nurse already call us.  As we walked in towards the recovery area, I feel like it was the longest walk I've ever been.... there he was lying in his court... still feeling drowsy... and I cried.  Zarif darling.... you look so small yet so strong.... Alhamdulillah everything went well.  The nurses asked me to hold him so that he can feel me.  I kept on whispering to his ears.... mama sayang zarif... i dont know why... may be i just want him to know i love him regardless what.

The Day before the Surgery Day....

20th June 2012 - 7am

We were getting ready to go to PPUM.  My heartbeat was fast.  I am nervous.  I know today is not the surgery day, but it is the first step for tomorrow.  Both mama and papa were in my house to help me to take care of Zafri.  Before we left, we still manage to smile for a pic!! hehehe.... camera freak!!

One brave lil boy .....

Zarif with papa.... happy mood

Both kamal n i rotate to sleep on d comfy sofa...

Zarif as a case study

Zarif with a group of young doctors.... hmmm dah besar nanti jadi doctor yer... 

 

I have to admit, I am a coward when it comes to blood... even my own.  Tapi bila the doctor wanna put the line to Zarif, I was in the room with him.... hmmmm this is exactly how people always says... we only realize our weaknesses not our strength hehehe...


 

That night, I feel numb.  May be because my heart hurt so much thinking of tomorrow till I do not know how and what to feel.  I saw Kamal was very calm..... thank God.

Starting from 2am, Zarif need to start fasting.  Alhamdulillah it was not so bad for him.... He woke up at 12midnite for his milk... then at 1.30am we tried to wake him up... time time ni lah dia nak tidur lena selena lenanya pulak hehehehe... selalunya tergerak sikit confirm bangun!!

Kamal was trying to put Zarif to sleep at 4am.... i guess kamal yg tidur dulu hehe

Be strong dear heart....

"Mama...adik takut"... hmmmm nope.... that was not Zarif telling me.  It was me telling my mum just now.  A mother always need her own mother to tell that everything will be alright.  Mama also said she is afraid/nervous too... this is also her first experience with her own cucu... It's good she is not hiding her feeling... at least I know it is ok to feel what I feel...

I've been wanting to see the video on how the surgery would be done.... had no guts! But today... the curiosity gets higher.... as the surgery is just around the corner - i need to know how..i know the theory.. now i want to know how it would be done physically.  So, I youtubed.

http://youtu.be/Mn6ShNspVfw

Bermulalah episod banjir di dalam bilik.... oh dear heart... please be strong.

As I mentioned earlier, I am very factual person, I guess... after knowing how (my heart broke even more...) but NOW I KNOW and I feel such a relieved.  There will be pain, there will be crying.... there will be recovery.

My dear heart,
Be strong. I need you.

My Almighty Allah swt,
Please forgive me of my sin.
Let the pain be more in my heart than to him...


I accept your test, as your love to me..
What you are doing is reminding me...
Otherwise you wont be choosing me..

A note for my Baby Zarif

A week from now, we both will be at PPUM for your surgery.  We will go through this together.  You will not be alone in the operation theater.. Both mama & papa chose a very good plastic surgeon for you and he has a very good team.  He will be very nice to you sayang.

I am sorry that you have to go through this sayang.  But I guess Allah swt has a better plan for all of us.  I know both my babies are strong.... And you Zarif, you were in the incubator for few days after you were born.  You had all the wires and tube all over you and I was not able to be with you on the first day.  You are the hero of all!!  This time around, we will go through this together.  Believe me, if you feel any pain, I am feeling it too and IF EVER I COULD TRANSFER ALL THE PAIN TO ME, I WOULD.

IF you ever wonder why you have the cleft, it is because God loves you so much sayang.  He was not able to let go all of you to me, so he borrow a little piece of you and he will return it to you when you are in heaven.  You both are special babies.  Zafri will be a stronger brother to you just by loving you and being with you all the time.  I love both of you equally.

After this surgery, you will have to go through another at the age of 6 or 7.. and after that at the age of 13-14.  What I am doing to you is for the best of you.  Whatever it takes, we will go through this as a family....

Faces of my Ilhanz....

When they were born, Ilhan Zafri was 2.2kg and Ilhan Zarif was 2.6kg....

Ilhan Zafri

Ilhan Zarif

Kecik jer time nih...

Haluihnyerrr kaki....

Dulu lain (above pic).... sekarang lain .....hehehehe... alhamdulillah they both grow healthily

Faces that make my heart melt.......

Salah siapa?

Hmmm.... well... someway somehow this question will occur in your head if you were to have a cleft baby.  Sebenarnya - nobody's fault.  There is no specific reason how this happen - medically or superstitiously.  Orang dulu-dulu kata if the father pergi fishing, anak akan sumbing or mak jangan siang ikan masa mengandung etc etc... ini semua adalah kepercayaan orang tua-tua.  Tiada bukti yang boleh menunjukkan mana-mana keadaan ini benar atau tidak... BUT... jangan ambil mudah... dan juga jangan terlalu taksub nak percaya benda-benda ni.  Things happened for a reason dan semuanya atas izin Allah swt. 

Most importantly - NEVER blame your partner.  Your baby need both of you and you both need each other very strongly.  In my case, I honestly thank God for what and how Kamal is.  Calm. Unlike me, I am a factual person... suka sangat nak google everything.  Because deep in my heart, I am blaming myself.  During my first & second trimester.... i was flat on the floor.  Seriously!! Macam-macam ubat I had to take and after few minute sure muntah balik.  I don't have enough folic acid, vitamins etc etc... and cleft usually happened during the first trimester (i read this somewhere).  So in a way, I was actually blaming myself.... i felt it till today.  Hmmm how to get rid of this feeling?  Honestly, I don't know!! But... tak payah nak pressure sangat... there are sooo many other things you need to do besides blaming yourself.  As for me, I divert the guilty thoughts to - what is the next step?  That's why, I met all the respective doctors/people with regards to cleft before I gave birth.

Of course, sekali sekala... i'll be in tears for no reason too... I am human after all.... :) 

Life is not bed of roses everyday... challenges help you to discover who you are in a way you least expected it from yourself...  and it definitely brings you closer to God...

For whatever it is, thank you Allah for giving this MAN to me...  never blamed, never questioned... he just want us to move on.