Strength...where are you

I have been trying to digest the advise from the Dr.Margaret the plastic surgeon that we met during Zarif's last follow up with the Cleft Clinic - to do a revise surgery on his lips. Though during the long wait before our name being called, I met with some other patients and I saw their scar are not obvious.  And some of them even with palate problem.  When I asked, they said it was done by Dr. Margaret.  

As we enter, she has advised us to do another surgery.  And of course in my mind - not another surgery please..... but then when she has reasoned out her points of course it is needed but my heart was in denial.

That was in February..... And now May... I am still feeling heavy about it.  I know we wont be able to stop the other children to talk about the obvious scar... now we may not be feeling it, but later it will not be good for Zarif's confidence especially people will start to compare him with his twin brother, Zafri.

When the heart is searching for strength, it sometime broke down to pieces.  I have been searching for strength ever since then.  Though I know he needs to go for another surgery in future (Age 6-7) but now seems too soon for me.  I feel that I am mentally not prepared. 

I know it is for his future.  But it hurt me even just to think of it now.  I guess it was easier back then when he was 3 months old.  May be back then I feel that I only had him for 3 months and unlike now…. It has been 2 years.  Regardless how minor the surgery is, it is easier for one to say it but not for the mother.  The giggles, the smiles, the cheeky nosy look, the hugs and everything will automatically appear in my mind. 

I felt “ralat” and “terkilan”.  Did I make a wrong choice choosing the wrong plastic surgeon for him earlier?  But it was totally recommended by the hospital.  Oh dear God, I don’t want to question all the challenges that You have given me, but can You please give me enough strength for it. Last year was the episode of my husband, that leads to dialysis.... and this year..... my lil hero....

We are aiming for the surgery to be done by end of the year.  It is not the fear of the surgery that I am feeling for him now.  It is more the sympathy feeling and it grows more and more everyday.

Adik… mama sorry.  One day when you read this, trust me.  I am ever willing to trade myself for whatever thing that you have to go through…. Even my life.  It is so painful in my heart, trust me. I love you my angel...