The day I found out...

4th February 2012 was the day that I did my 3D/4D scan.  I insisted my husband for this scan.  Most of the places (except for private hospital) were full.  I had a dream that I fed only one baby and I don't know where was the other one... That dream kept haunting me.

May be it was a coincident sign from Allah swt.  True enough, when I did the scan, the sonographer told me that one of the baby has a cleft.  She wasn't able to confirm whether the other one has it too as he was covering his face.

The TRUTH - I felt the whole world was crashing on me.  I was trying to calm myself and I guess Kamal was also doing the same.  Soon after we were in the car, I cried like a mad woman.  WHY ME?  I guess, anyone in my position will ask the same question too.  One thing that Kamal said that somewhat calm me down a little bit was "buruk baik anak kita".  I know it is a common sentence however, it was said at the right moment.

I went back home and shared the news with my parents.  I am thankful that they were very supportive.  But yet, I couldn't find my strength.  I was questionning everything.  I start googling and it lead me to CLAPAM.  I called them on Monday and arranged for an appointment to meet Kak Zuraini (the Secretary of the Association).  She was very calm.  When Kamal and I met her, she came with her husband, Abang Zainal which is the President of CLAPAM.  They shared their story of their cleft palate child which is now at his teens.  They showed us the pictures and explain their role to us.  There was one thing that Kak Zuraini told me that really make me feel strong was "this is not life threatening and be thankful".  I can still hear her voice saying it till today.  We registered as a member and they gave us the cleft bottle as for the preparation.

We started to arrange appointments with the Cleft clinic at PPUM.  We get an appointment to meet with Dr.Siti Madzlipah.  What a wonderful lady she is.  I am thankful that I know of this earlier so that I can be mentally prepared.

I was grieving about this, it disturbed my sleeps and emotion.  I can't lie to myself that I am not SAD.  Nobody wish to face this challenges especially at their first motherhood.  BUT at the same time, I find myself moving on.  At the end of the day, one thing that I realized, keep on crying and release yourself, but most importantly WE MUST MOVED ON.