Be strong dear heart....

"Mama...adik takut"... hmmmm nope.... that was not Zarif telling me.  It was me telling my mum just now.  A mother always need her own mother to tell that everything will be alright.  Mama also said she is afraid/nervous too... this is also her first experience with her own cucu... It's good she is not hiding her feeling... at least I know it is ok to feel what I feel...

I've been wanting to see the video on how the surgery would be done.... had no guts! But today... the curiosity gets higher.... as the surgery is just around the corner - i need to know how..i know the theory.. now i want to know how it would be done physically.  So, I youtubed.

http://youtu.be/Mn6ShNspVfw

Bermulalah episod banjir di dalam bilik.... oh dear heart... please be strong.

As I mentioned earlier, I am very factual person, I guess... after knowing how (my heart broke even more...) but NOW I KNOW and I feel such a relieved.  There will be pain, there will be crying.... there will be recovery.

My dear heart,
Be strong. I need you.

My Almighty Allah swt,
Please forgive me of my sin.
Let the pain be more in my heart than to him...


I accept your test, as your love to me..
What you are doing is reminding me...
Otherwise you wont be choosing me..

A note for my Baby Zarif

A week from now, we both will be at PPUM for your surgery.  We will go through this together.  You will not be alone in the operation theater.. Both mama & papa chose a very good plastic surgeon for you and he has a very good team.  He will be very nice to you sayang.

I am sorry that you have to go through this sayang.  But I guess Allah swt has a better plan for all of us.  I know both my babies are strong.... And you Zarif, you were in the incubator for few days after you were born.  You had all the wires and tube all over you and I was not able to be with you on the first day.  You are the hero of all!!  This time around, we will go through this together.  Believe me, if you feel any pain, I am feeling it too and IF EVER I COULD TRANSFER ALL THE PAIN TO ME, I WOULD.

IF you ever wonder why you have the cleft, it is because God loves you so much sayang.  He was not able to let go all of you to me, so he borrow a little piece of you and he will return it to you when you are in heaven.  You both are special babies.  Zafri will be a stronger brother to you just by loving you and being with you all the time.  I love both of you equally.

After this surgery, you will have to go through another at the age of 6 or 7.. and after that at the age of 13-14.  What I am doing to you is for the best of you.  Whatever it takes, we will go through this as a family....

Faces of my Ilhanz....

When they were born, Ilhan Zafri was 2.2kg and Ilhan Zarif was 2.6kg....

Ilhan Zafri

Ilhan Zarif

Kecik jer time nih...

Haluihnyerrr kaki....

Dulu lain (above pic).... sekarang lain .....hehehehe... alhamdulillah they both grow healthily

Faces that make my heart melt.......

Salah siapa?

Hmmm.... well... someway somehow this question will occur in your head if you were to have a cleft baby.  Sebenarnya - nobody's fault.  There is no specific reason how this happen - medically or superstitiously.  Orang dulu-dulu kata if the father pergi fishing, anak akan sumbing or mak jangan siang ikan masa mengandung etc etc... ini semua adalah kepercayaan orang tua-tua.  Tiada bukti yang boleh menunjukkan mana-mana keadaan ini benar atau tidak... BUT... jangan ambil mudah... dan juga jangan terlalu taksub nak percaya benda-benda ni.  Things happened for a reason dan semuanya atas izin Allah swt. 

Most importantly - NEVER blame your partner.  Your baby need both of you and you both need each other very strongly.  In my case, I honestly thank God for what and how Kamal is.  Calm. Unlike me, I am a factual person... suka sangat nak google everything.  Because deep in my heart, I am blaming myself.  During my first & second trimester.... i was flat on the floor.  Seriously!! Macam-macam ubat I had to take and after few minute sure muntah balik.  I don't have enough folic acid, vitamins etc etc... and cleft usually happened during the first trimester (i read this somewhere).  So in a way, I was actually blaming myself.... i felt it till today.  Hmmm how to get rid of this feeling?  Honestly, I don't know!! But... tak payah nak pressure sangat... there are sooo many other things you need to do besides blaming yourself.  As for me, I divert the guilty thoughts to - what is the next step?  That's why, I met all the respective doctors/people with regards to cleft before I gave birth.

Of course, sekali sekala... i'll be in tears for no reason too... I am human after all.... :) 

Life is not bed of roses everyday... challenges help you to discover who you are in a way you least expected it from yourself...  and it definitely brings you closer to God...

For whatever it is, thank you Allah for giving this MAN to me...  never blamed, never questioned... he just want us to move on.